Where soul meets body...

Okay, so I'm sure you've noticed the trend of late.
"Blah Blah Blah, my ex doesn't love me BLAH!"
And I get it...
I'm starting to sound like a broken record. The worst part is in every conversation I hope someone asks "So, how are you two?" So I can bring it all up again. It's on my brain all the time and to quote 'Mean Girls', " I can feel people getting bored with me, but I can't stop."

It's like he's infected my brain.

I was day dreaming on the train today. In my head, I drew a red heart on a white piece of paper and cut it out with a pair of silver scissors. I handed that piece of paper to my ex in my dream and told him "hey wait, you dropped this."
He smiled at me looking oddly confused and something in me got angry...

"My heart is in your hands.
Every time you call or talk to me, I want you to think about the damage your doing to that heart. Don't get me wrong, I love you and want to be there for you when you need me, and I am willing to stand all the pain you cause me... But I need to have something to be working for, some light at the end of the tunnel to keep me going.
Because if all this pain and heartache is for nothing...

Your going to shred that heart to pieces."

That's all she wrote,
-Miss Bailey
Xx

Chase you with a ladle...

Okay so I thought that I only had two options, but no...
Option three] Pretend like nothing ever happened.

O__O

I don't mean to but it's like I forget.

It would be easier if he stopped telling me that he misses me, and that he loves me, and that nothing is my fault.
Why be so nice to me?
Get angry at me! Tell me you hate me or that It's all my fault... Tell me that you don't want to be with me.
Because as much as that would hurt, it would make sense.
I could understand it if he didn't want me, but he seems to.

>__> ugh. This is all so lame.

WHINGE OVER!


That's all she wrote,
- Miss Bailey

Xx

Beating Hearts Baby...

So, when I decided to start a blog I thought I'd make it real. I thought I would write down every event in gross detail and make you sit there and ingest it. But I have shocked myself to a point that I don't know if I can do that anymore. People I know can read this... cyber-space has access to my deepest darkest thoughts and now I a thinking that bearing my soul via the 'tintents isn't such a great thing. Let's just say its over.
Me and the boyfriend finally split.
...
So, I was thinking about ways in which I can deal with this...
Option one] Bottle up my emotions deep inside where I wont hurt anybody. Keep it happy, keep it light, keep it gay.
Option two] Cry myself to sleep every night and become an emotional wreck. Keep nothing bottled up and hold nothing back.

Neither are healthy options... but I was always an extreme kind of person.

Right now I feel this pleasant sort of numbness I never thought I'd want to feel.


The worst part for me is... it was never just sex.
It was connection a I don't find with many people.
It was this amazing feeling of being safe.

How many times can a heart be broken? Because it feels like it breaks every time he says the word 'friends'.
I officially hate that word.

That's all she wrote.
- Miss Bailey

Xx

I'm waiting for his call...



... why the fuck am I this pathetic.



I was always told that boys chased girls.
It's what they do. Girls should feel special when a guy chases them.
...


So when they stop chasing you, should you start chasing them?






I have a feeling September 1st is going to hurt.



That's all she wrote,

-Miss Bailey



Xx

Raindrops, Unicorns and Kittens, OH MY!

raindrops



Reality Sucks.
Sometimes I think it's not all worth it. That I should shut myself emotionally 'off'. Turn that little light of hope into a big black empty void of unfeeling. That would be nice.
Apathy or Empathy.
Mood: Apathetic.
"I fake empathy so people will like me."
Is that what I do? Pretend to care? Or is that just a wish that I have that I don't give a shit?
"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
...
Bullshit.
Nightmares,
have made a biiiig comeback... along with random lesbian sex dreams. Weird.
Drop.
I wish! I wanted a little something tonight. Take the edge off. Green squirrel? I think I'm starting to scare myself. I love it to much.
Red,
Is a great colour. It's the colour of the blood pumping through my veins... The colour I resist the temptation to see. I get addicted to things to easy.
(Addicted to men, Addicted to to drinking, Addicted to blood, Addicted to attention.... I'm an addict.)
Over.
Is it?
Paper...
"This paper-cut skin,
If a mans hands show his trade does it suit me then."
Save me?
From turning back into that person. You made me so much better... don't make me change.

unicorns

Central park was odd today.It was really tense. I finally came to the conclusion that I am AN IDIOT and that Sammy doesn't deserve the shit she's been getting. Stop making up shit about her and Josh and about me too. Whoever wrote that bullshit in Sammy's truth box is a nasty piece of work. That's the problem with these things. being anonymous. It gives you the opportunity to be spiteful without being held accountable.

kittens

Thanks for the cuddles today.
Thanks Griffin for once again making me feel better.
Sorry to Sammy.
Sorry to Josh.

I thought all this was over when I left high school.

That's all she wrote,
-Miss Bailey.

xx

Somewhat like a sheep...

Well, everyone else was doing it.
And my Blog wont be profound or special like all my friends. I'm not alternative nor do I have enough angst to write something dark or funny. Though I am overly dramatic, so maybe that will make up for the lack of intelligence, bad spelling and pathetic whining that this blog will most likely contain. Anyone who's ever followed my horrible rain of myspace bulletins is well prepared for the random, boring and unoriginal thoughts that come out of my head/mouth.

But enough about how much fail your going to read, because that just makes me out to be much more self loathing than I am.

What I did today:
Today, I went to Perth, getting there at around 2:00pm. Big thanks to Griffin who made me feel so much better just by being there. It's funny because I never did like him when I was going out with his brother, but over the last couple of years he's changed into someone I can totally respect. He's a very smart cookie. After chilling there for a while and listening to a million and one people telling me what they think of my current situation I decided to go for a wander. To tell you the truth it's getting to a point where I just don't want to know. Yes, I get that my ex is probably subconsciously using me for sex but maybe not. And it hurts to think that all these people might be right. I really REALLY don't want to hear about Sammy.
[Note: This is an evil evil subject and I mean no offense to people who like Sammy (if you know her) or even as an insult to her. She's just pushed me to far... kay?]
Please don't insinuate that she's taking my place.
Don't let me know that she thinks she's better for him than I am.
You know what? Just don't bring her up. She makes me angry and I have no outlet for that anger. God help her if she ever tries to talk to me again.
Anyway, so wandering along I was and I just got this overwhelming feeling of helplessness and depression. I just felt so sad and tiered and alone and there was nothing I could do to make that stop. I called my ex/ person I'm seeing / ... whatever, and he was so sweet and nice I got off the phone and burst into tears. GO TEAM ME! >__>;
I am the emo'st person in emo ville.
Luckily I has cuddles from friends and then a nice dose of praise when I was working at Blue Room.
I totally got there half an hour early for ushering and got pushed into folding things.... just useless busy work that gave me time to think while using repetitive motions. Speaking of which, that is my theory on why my ex likes to walk home now.

A guy from rise and I talked today in centrals and he was telling me that exercise is a great form of meditation. That step after step you can use that repetitive motion and let your brain run wild and truly think about things. I sure hope that's what my ex is doing. Having a good long think about what I mean to him.

*sigh*

It sucks because I know where my feelings are at. I love him. The end.
And I know sometimes love isn't enough because with my last relationship, [spanning three years] love just wasn't quite enough to span the distance that had always been between us.
In that case the only thing stopping us was... well, most of Australia. He was in Melbourne, I was in Perth. It failed miserably but I still consider that person one of my greatest friends.

I had an evil little thought about love the other day;

Love is this fucked up little half way between want and need.
When your with that person that you are in love with you feel like you need them with every fiber of your being. They complete you and you complete them and you only feel whole when your with them.
But then, when they leave you or are taken away you realise that you don't NEED them. The world doesn't stop spinning, you don't stop breathing and despite the pain, your hearts still beating.
It was just want.
A strong and seductive want that sucked you right in and tricked you.
I hate the idea that wanting something is love... but that's what it is.
I don't believe that you can die of a broken heart. You can want to die so badly that you do, but hearts are a resilient thing that can be fixed like a patchwork quilt. Patch upon patch is painfully sewn over the freshly bleeding wounds until you have something somewhat resembling a heart left. And everyone has a heart, even if its so disfigured that you cant see it anymore, and there are so many layers and rips and tears that you can no longer feel it. It's there.

Can anyone tell I'm a hopeless romantic?
Somebody please bring back the days of 'Romeo and Juliet'.
Bring back dying for a love that's only just bloomed, chivalry and all that jazz.
I want a prince on a horse with a sword willing to defend my honor. But with so many princesses in the world, something tells me not everyone's going to get a happily ever after.
If I was into praying and religion, I would be praying that I get to be one of those princesses.

So, to end this on a lighter note, me and the ex are going to hang out tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to his call at 11:00am.

That's all she wrote,
- Miss Bailey
Xx