Dear Adrian.
Yes, you are a drama magnet and I don't think I have to defend that. I have experienced some of that drama first hand and not only is it hard on the people around you but sometimes it turns you into someone I don't recognise. Example? The Justin fiasco. I'm not saying this to be cruel or nasty but purely to be honest. I LIKE you. We are a lot alike. We have ridiculous amounts in common... but I just cannot be fucked dealing with not just you but the rest of your groups politics. I just got out of that mess, and I have enough problems of my own... and truth be told, it wouldn't be good for you to have me back in that capacity either. When I told you I was done being walked over, I meant it, and since then I've been trying to tell the truth from "Yes your bum looks big in that" to "Yes, you are wrong in this situation." Fuck sugar coatings. I now say what I mean.
So if this all goes so well and god damn it I've been making an effort... I wont have time for anyone If I get into WAAPA and the trivial problems of others aren't going to register on my radar. Call me shallow or bitchy or... whatever.
I mean to be really good friends... to bestest best buddies again, we'd have to deal with all of the crap that happened. I mean do you really think you snapped your fingers and hey presto, I had forgiven you for making my PREVIOUS best friend hate me?
No... never.
I'm not over that.
I don't know if I ever will be and I don't feel as if I could ever trust you in the same way again.
So I dunno, make of this what you will.
Feel free to never speak to me again if that's what makes you happy.
But I do enjoy talking to you.
And I note that I'm probably the most honest person you know right now.
Just saying.
That's all she wrote,
- Miss Bailey
Xx
P.S. How long have you been reading my blog?
Right. Okay.
ReplyDeleteHere's my response to the Justin thing.
Number one, I am sorry for that. I was sorry as soon as I did it, and I.. .well, I don't regret it.
Honestly, at that point, if you and I had been close or if I hadn't been close with him, I wouldn't have told him.
And no, the drug thing wasn't what made you lose him. In fact, you haven't lost him. He didn't care about it, or shall I say, he didn't let it affect your friendship. He didn't agree with it, but I'll tell you this: when I told him, he said "I know".
Yes, I told him. As I said, I'm sorry for that.
But the thing is, he and I were close at that point. You and I weren't. And he was the only one who didn't know.
I thought about it later, and realised I probably shouldn't have. It wasn't my place, and maybe you'd have told him yourself, down the road. Would you have? I don't know. Anyway, I shouldn't have, and I regret that it fucked us over so bad.
As for us in general... No, I don't think we're best buddies. Mostly I'm a little freaked out by the whole thing -- you being nice at all has come as a huge surprise.
My dramatics... well, honestly, I can't help that. If I could, I'd do something about it. I'd say I hate the drama, but.. that wouldn't be entirely truthful.
And no, I don't think us being 'bestest best buddies' is in either of our best interests, either. I have retarded fangirl fantasies about it - because I just love you that much - but I don't think its realistic or at all a good idea. You and I are different people now, and honestly, I don't blame you for hating me for the Justin thing.
Thing is though... he is mad at you for a lot other than the drug thing. I don't know if you see that.... and, though you won't believe me, I spend a lot of my time (or I did, at one point) trying to get him to see you or talk to you or any of it. He misses you. He wants you to be the girl he loved, and I do, too, because that'd make you both happy. As it is though... you don't have time for him, or don't seem to maybe, and he doesn't take that too well. The drug thing was just... straw... horses' back... etc.
I'm sorry for everything that happened between us. I know you don't think I'm -- whatever -- I don't know -- I know you don't love me like you used to. Its depressing, and sometimes I cry about it, because I loved you more than anyone, but that's that and its over now. I hope, at least, you have happy memories from it.
At this point... maybe we can just be friends. I'd like that.
I want you to know, though... I've changed a lot. For the better. What happened last year.... changed a lot, in my head. I'm a different person now. I'm a lot happier. I think more. I like myself, a bit.
Anyway.
That's all.
A
I don't HATE you... obviously. Infact I never really did, I just quite sevearly dislkied you for everything you'd done I mean, it did pile up a bit didn't it?
ReplyDeleteI know I should spend more time with Justin but it's hard when we don't seem to like doing the same things. I am overly social, and he would much rather spend his time indoors playing video games. I know everyones like "beth spends to much time with josh and does make time for anyone else" but thats not entirely true. I go to things I'm INVITED to... especially if my boyfriend is invited to. I mean, I don't even get drunk anymore did you know that?
Joshua hates it because of his crazy mother, so I only drink till I feel tipsy and then I stop. So it's not like I can even do that with him.
I mean it's all well and good for him to be pissed off about me not making an effort but at the end of the day neither did he.
And yes, I forgot his fucking birthday... doesnt help that he didn't talk to me for three weeks prior, but i'm still suppose to remeber, call him up and go "wanna hang out?"
O__o
He is very frustrating.
And you know the worst part?
I haven't changed all that much. My clothes changed a bit and I don't let people walk over me anymore but I am still the same old, mentally retarded Betheney you two both knew and loved.... just in a different situation.
I've invited you guys to Rise 3 times now... and not seen you there... why's that?
Because that was my way of saying "lets hang out because I am overly busy and don't currently have a place to live... come visit me."
It's funny because as much as it hurts to not see Justin, right now I feel it simpler not to. He's not the Justin I remember either... and I read his live journal a while back and learned that he's 'feeling' again... well it's great that I could never restore that in him... kind of hurts to tell you the truth.
I'm glad we are on the same page with the friends thing...
... perhaps we should have spoken about it sooner?
I don't know.
Photoshoot still on?
Xx
It's always red.
ReplyDelete